Buckets of Rain Part 3- "Laughter and Turbulence"

Buckets of rain

Buckets of tears

Got all your buckets comin out of my ears

Buckets of moonbeams in my hand

You got all the love honey baby I can stand

Well, here I am back in Wisconsin trying to figure out how to write this last entry sort of summing up my trip to California. Most of it really was driving, but it was passing miles of the country that I'm in love with. It was a break from traveling and having a show to play every day. It was a break from the Wisconsin winter, a break from the routine of inconsistency that has become my life. It was a step outside all of that.

Our last full day we went to the Point Lobos Reserve- part of the Big Sur. It was a lot like Pacific Grove without the tall fences and golf courses. We walked around the oceanside, climbed out on the giant rocks. I would walk up near the water and close my eyes and feel the salty wind, feel the cold water up to my feet, hear the waves and the seagulls and the sea otters moaning, crying out. I could relate. Hearing my breath, forever grateful. "What's so funny?" Kayla would ask. But my laughter was not from humor; it was just joy. Just pure joy.

The Ocean! Iamsmallandvast.
I am small and vast.

I been meek

And hard like an oak

I seen pretty people disappear like smoke

Friends will arrive; Friends will disappear

If you want me honey babe, I'll be here

Two hour-ish drive up the coast on Highway 1. Green green green. Beauty resounding. Talk of spirit animals - I saw so many hawks! Thinking about my life and also trying not to think about my life. Oh, all the things to experience inside and outside... what is it that makes us feel what we do when we see the ocean? What is that? I kept asking, "What does this mean?" And maybe it means nothing and maybe that's the point. Maybe that's the point. Both small and vast.

We made it to the Point Montero Lighthouse Hostel. Incredible place. A man gave me some orange slice from an orange grown just a few miles away. Most delicious orange I've ever had!

That night I stood outside next to the lighthouse under the moon and stars, next to the ocean, talked to my lover. I heard of the death of an old musician friend. My reaction: "No, no...." and I looked up at the stars and said a wordless prayer for him. He died of a heart attack.


Next morning, got up early and flew out of San Francisco. It was actually my first time flying. As we took off I felt like I could have just started laughing hysterically. Flying? How absurd. Watching the sunset this time from above. Riding over the clouds. I soaked it in...

Turns out that it was a really windy day last Friday in Denver. Most of their run-ways were closed. My plane rerouted to Fort Collins to refuel, sat on the ground for about an hour and then flew into Denver. By that time I had missed my connecting flight to Milwaukee. The next flight also got delayed and the whole time I was trying to figure out if I'd miss our show that night. I was also watching the people in the airport, some stressed out, some surrendering to the wait, the un-knowable, the un-controllable. Maybe the way you deal with being stuck in an airport is comparable to the way you deal with life. I just didn't want to miss my show. I didn't want to miss my show.

As the flights kept getting delayed, I realized I was going to miss the show... so I, too, surrendered. I found the girls I had been sitting next to on the flight into Denver who turned out to be from Oshkosh as well! I spoke with lots of people... everyone wants to to tell their story.

Finally, I boarded my flight. It's only a two hour flight from Denver to Milwaukee. I had a drink with the people sitting next to me. Talked about what traveling often does to your home life-lover, friends, family, talked about the way we grew up, talked about James Joyce and talked about health food. As we were landing I turned on my phone and read a message saying I just might make it to the show. I unfastened my seatbelt and jumped up. "I get to play!"

I ran out of the airport and hopped into the car with my brother and his family. We drove straight to Neenah and I ran into the venue, luggage in hand. I ran right up to the stage where everything was set up and sound-checked. Pete, Tim, and Dan! They were just standing there. I think I was smiling. It was all a blur. We started playing and all I could say was, "There's no place I'd rather be."


I've been back about three and a half days... I've played in three shows, gone to a funeral, and worked a full day of work. In fact, I haven't even unpacked my bag yet. Last week seems but a dream, but these days all feels almost as a dream.

Life is sad

Life is a bust

All you can do is do what you must

You do what you must do and you do it well

I'll do it for you honey baby

Can't you tell?