Buckets of Rain Part 3- "Laughter and Turbulence"

Buckets of rain

Buckets of tears

Got all your buckets comin out of my ears

Buckets of moonbeams in my hand

You got all the love honey baby I can stand

Well, here I am back in Wisconsin trying to figure out how to write this last entry sort of summing up my trip to California. Most of it really was driving, but it was passing miles of the country that I'm in love with. It was a break from traveling and having a show to play every day. It was a break from the Wisconsin winter, a break from the routine of inconsistency that has become my life. It was a step outside all of that.

Our last full day we went to the Point Lobos Reserve- part of the Big Sur. It was a lot like Pacific Grove without the tall fences and golf courses. We walked around the oceanside, climbed out on the giant rocks. I would walk up near the water and close my eyes and feel the salty wind, feel the cold water up to my feet, hear the waves and the seagulls and the sea otters moaning, crying out. I could relate. Hearing my breath, forever grateful. "What's so funny?" Kayla would ask. But my laughter was not from humor; it was just joy. Just pure joy.

The Ocean! Iamsmallandvast.
I am small and vast.

I been meek

And hard like an oak

I seen pretty people disappear like smoke

Friends will arrive; Friends will disappear

If you want me honey babe, I'll be here

Two hour-ish drive up the coast on Highway 1. Green green green. Beauty resounding. Talk of spirit animals - I saw so many hawks! Thinking about my life and also trying not to think about my life. Oh, all the things to experience inside and outside... what is it that makes us feel what we do when we see the ocean? What is that? I kept asking, "What does this mean?" And maybe it means nothing and maybe that's the point. Maybe that's the point. Both small and vast.

We made it to the Point Montero Lighthouse Hostel. Incredible place. A man gave me some orange slice from an orange grown just a few miles away. Most delicious orange I've ever had!

That night I stood outside next to the lighthouse under the moon and stars, next to the ocean, talked to my lover. I heard of the death of an old musician friend. My reaction: "No, no...." and I looked up at the stars and said a wordless prayer for him. He died of a heart attack.


Next morning, got up early and flew out of San Francisco. It was actually my first time flying. As we took off I felt like I could have just started laughing hysterically. Flying? How absurd. Watching the sunset this time from above. Riding over the clouds. I soaked it in...

Turns out that it was a really windy day last Friday in Denver. Most of their run-ways were closed. My plane rerouted to Fort Collins to refuel, sat on the ground for about an hour and then flew into Denver. By that time I had missed my connecting flight to Milwaukee. The next flight also got delayed and the whole time I was trying to figure out if I'd miss our show that night. I was also watching the people in the airport, some stressed out, some surrendering to the wait, the un-knowable, the un-controllable. Maybe the way you deal with being stuck in an airport is comparable to the way you deal with life. I just didn't want to miss my show. I didn't want to miss my show.

As the flights kept getting delayed, I realized I was going to miss the show... so I, too, surrendered. I found the girls I had been sitting next to on the flight into Denver who turned out to be from Oshkosh as well! I spoke with lots of people... everyone wants to to tell their story.

Finally, I boarded my flight. It's only a two hour flight from Denver to Milwaukee. I had a drink with the people sitting next to me. Talked about what traveling often does to your home life-lover, friends, family, talked about the way we grew up, talked about James Joyce and talked about health food. As we were landing I turned on my phone and read a message saying I just might make it to the show. I unfastened my seatbelt and jumped up. "I get to play!"

I ran out of the airport and hopped into the car with my brother and his family. We drove straight to Neenah and I ran into the venue, luggage in hand. I ran right up to the stage where everything was set up and sound-checked. Pete, Tim, and Dan! They were just standing there. I think I was smiling. It was all a blur. We started playing and all I could say was, "There's no place I'd rather be."


I've been back about three and a half days... I've played in three shows, gone to a funeral, and worked a full day of work. In fact, I haven't even unpacked my bag yet. Last week seems but a dream, but these days all feels almost as a dream.

Life is sad

Life is a bust

All you can do is do what you must

You do what you must do and you do it well

I'll do it for you honey baby

Can't you tell?

Buckets of Rain Part 2- "Fence Around the Ocean"

Still en route from San Francisco to Denver, sitting above the clouds, early sun low, bright, fresh in the sky. Snowing mountains below...


We drove around twelve hours that first day before reaching Edmund, Oklahoma, a town just outside of Oklahoma City. I had never been to Oklahoma before but I will say the dirt seemed red and the folks seemed friendly. I easily welcomed the warm weather and snowless ground. We caught some sleep and left at 3 AM the next morning heading towards Flagstaff, Arizona.

Red dirt Oklahoma... Moon in the sky... sunrise in the Texas sky... New Mexico! New Mexico enchantment! It truly is something else- my first time in New Mexico. Something about it is very spiritual, mystic even. "The world is bigger than you... the world is bigger than you. me. The world is you.." And the mountains called my name.

We reached Flagstaff, Arizona, later that afternoon and checked into the Grand Canyon International Hostel. This place was awesome! I highly recommend it. We walked to a grocery store.. I got lost looking at all the health food, watching a man with his kids... thinking "I could raise kids here..." too hungry to make a decision on what to buy. We got some beers at a local brewery, got a little tipsier than we planned for (forgot about the elevation!) We had one roommate that night in the hostel. She seemed pretty quiet at first but after warming up a little she told us she was from Canada and she had been picking pine cones for work in below 20 degree weather.

Next morning we left again at 3AM. Seems early, but one of my favorite parts about every day was watching the moon trade places with the sun.. even sharing the same sky together for a while... Sunrise in California that day, I don't even think I want to begin to describe. Desert mountains.. Stunning vast.. Random moments of laughter... In my last post I mentioned how death brings this distinct clarity...Interesting, so do the mountains,the moon, natural wonders.. and I just kept laughing.

That day we drove through the Mojave, we drove through the Alta Wind Energy Center, the biggest wind turbine farm in the world! Set in the Tehechapi mountains. I felt like we were on a different planet.

We also saw miles and miles and miles of almond trees- I will never think of almonds the same again! They are beautiful.

We arrived in Salinas, CA, around 2 PM. Salinas is the hometown of John Steinbeck. If you know me very well, you probably know how much I admire him. Seeing his hometown and the land he wrote so much about was incredible. We went to Pacific Grove, a place right on the ocean... picture Big Sur surrounded by lush trees, vegetation. I was stoked about this because Steinbeck wrote a lot about Pacific Grove- even lived there.

Every atom of my body responded.

A surprise to me, we had to pay a $10 fee to get into the area and do the "17 mile drive." It seemed sort of silly because there's beautiful California coast line for hundreds of miles that is totally free. But we paid the fee anyway and entered the area.

Golf courses lining the road. Private property and fences. Tall chain-link fences at all the places you could stop and get out.

You can't put a fence around the ocean, but you can fence the people out.



Honestly, none of that took away from the beauty of the whole thing, or even the experience... it just perplexed me.

You can't put a fence around the ocean, but you can fence the people out.
Build a wall and call it freedom, but one will always break out.
Build a bridge and call it love, one will always swim around...
Swim around, swim around...

And I wondered what Steinbeck would think.

Here I am in Salinas next to the John Steinbeck Library!

Stay Tuned for Part 3! Turbulence, Stuck in the airport, and running late to a show!

Buckets of Rain Part. 1

I write to you from the sky! Somewhere between San Francisco and Denver. These last four days I've driven over 2500 miles through Illinois, Missouri, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Arizona, and California. My friend, Kayla, got a job out here so I helped drive her out and now I'm headed home...

There have been so many themes on this trip that I've decided to write a three part blog about it.  Here goes part one...

"A ship is safe in the harbor, but that's not what ships are built for." Kayla tells me this is her motto for the part of the life she's entering- packing up her car and moving across the country.

We played in Madison on Sunday night, then I caught a ride with Dan to Milwaukee and left sometime around 1 in the morning. I hadn't slept yet, so I closed my eyes for a few hours... woke up to the St. Louis arch passing, woke from a fitful slumber- heart on fire. It all seemed a blur- daylight... warmth... no snow on the ground. Leaving the Wisconsin winter behind for a while!

The red dirt of Oklahoma! New places, new terrain, new culture, time with a good, old friend. Enchanting New Mexico, invigorating Arizona, laughing by the ocean... the mountains. These things brought a clarity to my. "Trust thyself," Emerson whispers in my ear.

This theme trickles through in all aspects of my life, but in regards to making music with Dan, Tim, and Pete, I am again affirmed. I believe in what we do- having fun, making art, encouraging and inspiring and challenging each other, laughing with each other, connecting with people in small town bars and gas stations on the way to bigger venues, bigger venues with their flashy lights and...

These past few weeks have been a trip. Moving around a lot, few things consistent besides sitting in a vehicle watching the miles pass and playing tunes. The passing of a couple significant people in my life- one being an artist from the Oshkosh area who really touched the scene here, whose energy spoke in a way I've never heard before...the other a man who I would simply best describe as a lover of people.... Everything leading to a lot of flowing thoughts, feelings. Tragic things happen and they lead to moments of distinct clarity. Most of all, I think it's time for us to put everything on the line. Take the ship out of the harbor...

In about six weeks I'll be in a plane again heading back to San Francisco, this time with the boys. I am so excited to make another album.. to trust ourselves, to step outside of the nonexistant box...  to step outside of ourselves... More than anything, though, I want the album to be honest. I want us to create something with our whole hearts.

I'll wrap up part 1 with a quote I'm reminded of that I saw when I was in Kansas City a couple of weeks ago...

"We are not the creators of the music. We are the vehicles through which the creation sends vibrations... Music has little to do with notes; it has everything to do with life."

Stay tuned for the new two parts! Hostel experiences, my first flying experience, the ocean....

When the Rain Washes You Clean You'll Know

Dreams...

Dreams..

Dreams.

Dreams seem to be the common thread lately. Random nerve firings in the brain? Alternate realities? The brain's way of problem solving?

My sister visited me in my dream the other night. I was all of the sudden in my childhood home walking throughout the house... passing through the rooms and all of the sudden I saw her. I think it's significant when we visit each other in dreams. I think it means something. And if it is random, I'll gladly still take the feeling of comfort I had in seeing her. I'm open to that meaning something or nothing.

I'm interested in the different ways we use the word "dream." What's your dream? Your life dream? And where is that in relation to what you literally dream at night? And where is that dream in relation to how you live out your life every day?

And how can I write a post about dreams without mentioning Fleetwood Mac? I was driving home from work the other day and they popped up on my radio. It got me thinking about how long they've been around and specifically how many people have come in and out of the band... which got me thinking about us and how many people have influenced who and where we are. As a musician, as a person, one is affected by so many different things. I've been asked what the muse is to my writing, what inspires it. The answer is everything.

Which got me thinking about, well, what got me into playing music in the first place, all the people who encouraged and inspired me, all the people who I learned from. From singing in church to 90's radio to being a napster kid (and remember Behind the Music?), to local open mic nights, to playing in bands and going to many shows... etc. etc.

Which got me thinking about gratitude! Which is always a good place to land in your thoughts and in your heart. So here's to dreaming and here's to gratitude.



Oh yeah.. and the full moon.

Bluegrass Music and Alan Watts

"We could say that meditation doesn't have a reason or doesn't have a purpose. In this respect it's unlike almost all other things we do except perhaps making music and dancing. When we make music we don't do it in order to reach a certain point, such as the end of the composition. If that were the purpose of music then obviously the fastest players would be the best.

Also, when we are dancing we are not aiming to arrive at a particular place on the floor as in a journey. When we dance the journey itself is the point, as when we play music the playing itself is the point. And exactly the same thing is true in meditation. Meditation is the discovery that the point of life is always arrived at in the immediate moment."

-Alan Watts


No, this blog isn't about meditation, and don't worry, I'm not about to start wearing yoga pants to shows, but I must admit this quote has resonated with me very strongly for the last year or so. It was around a year ago that Pete joined Dead Horses, and since then I've experienced us going down a road as musicians and individuals that's much more acquainted with what Alan Watts was talking about when he compared meditation to music and dancing.

And it's exciting! It's not uncommon for us to play two or three or more shows a week, and never do we play the songs exactly the same way. What I experience when we play music is an exchange of energy between each other and among the people and energy in the room. That's why I'm full of so much gratitude for the people who come out to our shows.

As a musician it can be easy to focus on playing well and proficiently- not messing up the rhythm, not hitting a wrong note, not breaking a string... playing a perfect solo, hitting the harmony just right... And there certainly is a sort of integrity and art to playing well, but I find the times that "the sum is greater than the parts" are usually the times that we all forget just where we are and what we are doing- the beginning and the end no longer matter; there is no longer a perfect solo or a perfect pitch or a perfect rhythm, there is no longer a "self" but rather one part, one organism acting cohesively...unified in the vibrations in the room... and that organism, that collective is everyone and everything present.

The Water We Swim In

Did you know that the half-time superbowl performers don't get paid?

That's right- Bruno Mars and the Red Hot Chili Peppers received no financial payment for their performance, although all of their travel expenses were paid, and of course the opportunity to perform to over a hundred million viewers is priceless.

I'm often asked how much I "make" as a musician, and it's a tough and even complicated question to answer. It seems especially relevant lately considering we are getting ready to record an album in San Francisco with Stephen Barncard.

The superbowl example is a good one. Often times a band can make more money playing a four-hour show in a bar to a large group of people who don't really care what they're doing than they can to a large group of people who bought tickets to see them in a theater venue. I think most musicians agree that they would rather play the latter show, but I also think that most musicians would agree that they would rather not have to have a job on the side to support what they really want to do.

And for me, that's sort of the holy grail. I'd like to be able to focus on the musician part of my life first and foremost!!! -Without having a day job to come home to. More importantly and in accordance to that, as an artist, I'd like to make albums and play shows to and with people who are there for the music- and the full experience.

The superbowl example is a dilemma that many bands face. It's sort of the water we swim in. I'd also like to say that I feel blessed to have a job to come home to; it really keeps me grounded!

Finally, I'd like to mention the type of payments that we receive that are not money but worth much more. I think and talk about this a lot, but I'm truly so amazed by it continually. All of the love, compassion, food, lodging, gratitude, companionship, encouragement and inspiration is absolutely priceless.